Life Pending

February 1, 2010 by ki

When I started a blogspacething I thought I’d post well thought-out, interesting posts, or at the very least crazy mildly comic rants on a regular basis.

HOWEVER due to the all consuming nature of the PhD disaster I am currently trying to rescue (ie the past 3 years of my life!) I don’t do any well thought out or interesting things;  I do have crazy mildly comic rants, but I just can’t justify writing them down.  Usually they are too offensive to write, even for the shock factor!

Its the procrastination factor… I can’t justify writing blogtastic posts when I should be working on my thesis or on the papers I’d like to submit.  However I manage to justify the endless READING of posts on other people’s blogs…

I honestly never realised just to what extent the PhD would take over my life.  Or rather I realised how much it would take over but what I didn’t get was that during the PhD you spend so much time on getting either nowhere or literally just past nowhere…  It is one step forward, two steps back.   To use an analogy I’ve used a lot: doing a PhD is like running at a brick wall, repeatedly, until eventually the wall breaks (or you do!).

Humour like this is a bit of a life saver, Jorge Cham’s Piled Higher and Deeper sometimes seems to be based on my life!  Especially the attitude I have now developed toward undergrads (sheeplike idiots) and masters students (sheeplike idiots who like to break things in my lab).  And to think I used to be a sheeplike idiot.  Cham is an American however, and PhDs in the US system sound horrific, they can take 5 or more years!

Oh well, my insightful words may not yet be changing the world from the blogosphere outward, I may not be courting (any) readers, and I may in fact be suddenly feeling awfully guilty for even taking the time to write this, but that’s just another sacrifice the PhD has asked of me.  At least my friends and family are supportive (even sympathetic) and that goal of graduating is (hopefully) not too far away now *closes eyes and wishes, really, really, hard* so I will pick myself up, and take a run up at that damn wall once again!

QT with Nicky G

October 23, 2009 by ki

Yeh I watched it.  I watched and I enjoyed to be honest… People were clamouring in the name of “free speech” and BBC impartiality for Griffin to get up there and get up there he did.  And Dimbleby grilled him on both sides, then he was nicely finished by Baroness Warsi but the finest moments were Bonny Greers oh-so-easy put downs.  He was outclassed sitting next to her.

Now what upsets me is all the BBC Have Your Say hoo-ha saying “but he was villified…”  “he was unfairly treated…”  “it wasn’t democratic…”.  Sorry people, it was a show where people need to back up their statements and he was challenged on some of the horrific things he has said, and rightly so.  He tried misdirection, poor attempts at humour and outright lying but ultimately he cannot deny what he has been filmed saying.  Just catch this youtube video referenced on QT when describing Griffins attempts to make the BNP mainstream-acceptable and electable.  There are other videos out there of BNP members saying nasty things and you can look at their website to see what they really stand for.  I don’t believe you can express the views he is on record as expressing without having them challenged by people who are your peers (politicians) or betters (historians who actually know about the evidenced history of this nation) and so he was challenged.  Had Abu Hamza or David Icke been on QT (bet they wouldn’t all be crying “free speech” then…) they would have been challenged on their hateful views.

People don’t seem to understand the dangerous slope we are on.  Hitler wasn’t taken seriously, and then he started to get well known, got some influence… built up a reputation, said populist things and guess how that ended: very badly for 6 million Jews and about 11 million others.  I get very passionate and upset, and let me tell you why:  Griffin represents the people out there who have decided to hate me because of my race.  People in my own country who think that because my father is brown like chocolate  and my mother is almond fair I am therefore less important to this country than people whose parents are both white.  Nevermind that my immigrant family has supported itself since being in this country, nevermind that my father and my uncles are employers not the “they’re coming here stealing our jobs” gremlins you hear about, nevermind that my family are all British citizens, all educated taxpayers who contribute to this nation, quarrel about the City/United rivalry in Manchester, pay congestion charges in London, have staycations in British B & Bs, have holidays in Spain, celebrate Christmas and New Year as well as Diwali… Nevermind all that.  We are brown people, and to some BNP supporters out there that makes all of us worth less than one pasty-assed white tax dodger living off benefits for life when they could be working.  So your contribution isn’t important but your colour is?  That is, of course, almost unbearably depressing for me.  I’m fine if people don’t like me because I am abrasive or annoying or prettier than they are (it happens), but it pisses me off that people say I’m worth less than they are BECAUSE I TAN MORE EASILY.

People of all colours and backgrounds work hard to make a living and contribute to this country.  You get layabouts of all colours too.  You get gays of all colours, talented artists and sports stars of all colours, barmaids and builders and doctors and dentists and nurses and nutritionsists and secretaries and strippers of all colours… and of course you get racists of all colours.  However, the vast majority of people in Britain (over 92%) self identify as white, and unless there are a whole lot of black people lying, that means the “whiteness” of Britain is not under threat.  So who is under threat?

The non-whites.  The non-mainstream.  The hard working brown people of Britain whose legitimacy as British people is being called into question by an elected party under the leadership of Nick Griffin.  People like me.

I have a PhD to finish, so that I can find a job and start earning.  I want to get way way up the career ladder, to try to make a real difference, not just for my personal achievement, but also to challenge those who hate me without ever having met me.  I want to show Britain that I love her and that I am one of her assets, so I can look at people like Griffin and ask them, what makes you better than me?

PIDER! OH NOES!

September 28, 2009 by ki
When I saw this spider I screamed and ran across my bedroom

When I saw this spider I screamed and ran across my bedroom

I am not good with insects.  I am a lot better than I used to be, but this fella is bigger than the usual house spider and it took me 3 attempts to get the courage to get near him and trap him!  Apparently its a bumper Autumn for spiders in the UK so I’m a little bit paranoid watching for the next one…

I held the glass on the paper, had the front door open ready, went down from my bedroom, out the front, down the stairs outside, across the road and down a few doors, put the glass and paper down, tilted the glass so he walked out on the opposite side, then picked up the glass and paper and RAN back to the house.  I’m no outback filly, big spiders make me squeeee in fear!

He wasn’t pretty either, here he is a bit closer:

Sooooo pretty...

Sooooo pretty...

Makes my skin crawl… ugh!  Seriously I was pumped with adrenaline for hours after, had to have a cup of tea at Laina’s to calm down.

In other news: Freshers, icky cold, back on the wagon, writing up, experimenting still, analysis to do, etc etc etc!

Progress!

August 28, 2009 by ki

When I put my jewellery and a painting up on Folksy I wasn’t really expecting lots from it, but within hours of posting one of my necklaces caught the eye of another user, and she asked me to make it for her in a slightly longer length.  I did and it sold and I just today checked my feedback and found a lovely recommendation from my buyer.  This has made me very happy!

I have another painting (the one that was gonna be “Electropunk” changed lanes in the making of and is now “Tiger Tiger”) to go up and I’ll be working on some jewellery tonight that will go up.  I create these things anyway so I think its no harm to see if they can sell.

Uni continues to frustrate, although it is the research situation (with the desperate lack of operational equipment and will o’ the wisp as a supervisor) and not the people that causes me problems.  I am actually going to the wedding of the young gent I mentioned before, as he was kind enough to invite me, and a wedding is always a happy occasion I think.  The way I see it, just cos I don’t get his point of view doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for him.  People have to carve their own paths.

More creativity is bubbling, got some uni writing and creative writing to be getting on with today.  A paper to finish that I became disheartened with but now Supervisor has asked me to write it I have some new vigour available for the endeavour.  Of course he doesn’t know its already mostly written!  Good times.  Onward!

Work mode

August 17, 2009 by ki

I am in work mode.  Why then am I blogging?  Well I am currently printing out some work.  Not just any work, no no, but in fact work I forgot I had already done and was about to freak out about having to do.  When does that ever happen?  Today is a special day!  However I am not free from work, oh no, this just means I can do even more work…

All good.

I am feeling in a very settled and happy mood currently however, and enjoying the challenge for once.  I have a lot going on, and that is hard to juggle, but its worth it because I do love what I do in PhD, despite supervisor quibbles and you know, everyone else in the dept that gets on my nerves!  Really its not that they get on my nerves, but that my nerves are extremely open to people getting on them when I’m at uni because this whole shebang is pretty important to me.

In my spare time (!) however, I have set up a shop on Folksy, to sell some of my jewellery and art.  I hope to add new and exciting things soon…
Melting Pot, a new venture by Ki

I hope that I can sell some things as otherwise the jewellery and art will just clutter up my house even more.  Unless I use it to decorate the cat.

Right, printing nearly done, workmode arrives so rarely I need to take full advantage of it!

Currently the cat

August 14, 2009 by ki

Resides on my desk.  She has had her head on my portable hard drive for the last half an hour.  A half hour in which I have been struggling to start finishing my Introduction for the THESIS.  I just can’t get my head into it however, I feel very very tired and like I could quite happily go to bed already.  Oh dear.

I think the time management aspect of my PhD has been one of the hardest things.  I automatically grant other people’s priorities as higher than mine, a habit I am finding hard to break.  As a result I find socialising with, or supporting friends will instantly put my work on the back burner.  I find it hard to self-discipline in that regard.  BF is another problem, especially as he hasn’t been working lately and is at my place a lot.  I really don’t want him to become a distraction from the writing which is so important when I’m not in lab.

I went home for a few days for baby sis’s birthday and to see some old friends.  I loved the break and I felt super ready to come back and work hard, but within the two days I’ve been back I’ve been stressed, angry and upset.  I just feel that I don’t have any space or time in which to work.  There’s always something else going on.

If I really can’t juggle my social life, hobbies and work, will I just have to cut all the other things out?

It doesn’t help that at uni I find my time eaten up stressing about the way the MRes students are treating the lab or whether or not my supervisor will acknowledge me this day/week/month.  I also find it immensely frustrating that the fear of not having done enough high quality work makes me afraid to do more work, in a strange nonsequitur.

The cat has now turned her back on me, and her fuzzy mass has totally consumed my mousemat.  I will attempt to rescue the mouse, and try to get on with some work…

Graphs, twits, snails.

June 17, 2009 by ki

I have spent this evening tripping through excel to draw and redraw my data graphically in order to squeeze knowledge from it like the bitter-but-good-for-you acid ambrosia you squelch from a stubborn grapefruit.  Excel, oh yes, the cutting edge of science… but I won’t start that rant now.

I’ve also started tweeting, which I consider to be a bit like blogging on Red Bull.  I still maintain that the verb should be “to twit” especially as then one could ask of a twitterer (or twit) when they message a mysterious fellow twit: “twit? to whom?”.  Hahahahaha :)

Whilst setting up a suitable twitting post I rediscovered a picture I took with my phone when I was walking back from uni one sunny spring day and feeling a little snap-happy.  This picture will ROCK your WORLD…

Snails on a grating, sticking and waiting...

Snails on a grating, sticking and waiting...

THERE ARE 5 SNAILS!  WHAT ARE THEY DOING?  IT HAD JUST STOPPED RAINING AND THE SUN WAS SHINING… AND THEY WENT TO THE OLD GRATING TO CONGREGATE… Snailio said what brings us all hence to this grating?  And Snailor replied: “Snailio, we have felt the call”.  The mellifluous voice of Snailina proclaimed “we have all felt the call Snailio… for now it is the time!  The darkest of days are upon us, and we find ourselves drawn to the dark metal of the grating, to seek your counsel.”  Snailio considered his wise companions.  Snailor the warrior, Snailina the priestess, Snailak the thinker, and the newcomer: the youngest, the smallest, the bravest; yes the very one who would carry out their prophecy, and bring peace to all snails.  The prophecy: its truth was now apparent, and soon all snails would live in the Land of Eternal Rain, in the Realm of the Grand Providing Lettuce and the Easily Reachable Strawberries…

See… I told you it’d rock your world!  I have to stop myself now before I actually do try and write the snail equivalent of Tolkien crossed with Hasbro: I don’t want that to be my legacy on this earth!

“We choose not our own legacies” murmered Snailak “they are decided by those who continue long after our own slime trail glistens no more”…

The making of.

May 18, 2009 by ki

My little girl is all growed up.  Today Laina moved out into her swanky pants new flat down in SA1.  I feel like a mother bird watching a fledgling fly the nest!  Very silly I guess; but then I have seen her go through a lot of ups and downs and I’d like to think I’ve been a help more than a hindrance in the last few years.  Its really heartwarming to see a friend getting settled: happy with an interesting job, a nice home, good surroundings and a future.  I’ll miss the homely banter and the housemate cameraderie.  Only just over a month until Laura heads back down to the South of England.  I’ll be left in Casa Shah all alone!  Except for the damn cat, of course.

 

That darn cat

That darn cat

 Damn cat tried to eat the Trivial Pursuit pie pieces when we played Disney Trivial Pursuit yesterday.

However I can definitely see the plus side to my upcoming solitude (I do intend to rent the rooms again at some point, but probably to ppl I don’t know so closely) as I have become less and less social lately.  I get distracted by other people so easily.  Its good instead to focus on my own little “projects” and actually get on with them rather than letting them gel then waste away in my own brain.  The jewellery, for example.  I’m getting on with some quirky beading and playing with suspending beads, working findings into interesting shapes, and using beads of various colours/shape/textures.  The next step though is to work some real “art” into the pieces.  I want to get a kind of pop art feel going on using magazine pages to create beads and pendant charms.  Its going to involve this bank holiday weekend and a lot of PVA glue: I can’t wait!

The painting is on hold.  Electropunk, the piece that I want the orange one to become when I get my purple on, has been waiting patiently on my easel for almost a month now.  I haven’t the time to let the colours come lately.  The writing however is faring better, both with my personal storytelling project and my thesis.  I tap out a few words for my theory and background chapters when I find my brain isn’t up to organising lab work and expts.

Ah experiments… currently I’m invigilating the adorable little bastard students as they do their exams.  I like doing the one-to-one invigilating best, kind of feel more useful to help a student with special requirements.  But it hasn’t left much time for ze laborrrratorrrry so I’m definitely going to have to up the pace at the start of June when the exams are over.  I’ll have to much work to do to be social and friendly anyway, so I can be a grumpy lab hermit living on my own.  With the damn cat.

Buzzing in the brain

May 1, 2009 by ki

I have to stop watching the news.  BBC News 24 is overtaking my sense of reality.  Economic Crisis, Budget nonsense, National Debt, Climate Change and now SWINE FLU???  If I don’t turn that news off I won’t leave the house for fear.  I’ll sit in munching cardboard under my face mask.

But yes my brain is buzzing.  This happens sometimes before a writing session, or a painting one.  Its like a build up of pressure requiring release.  I’ve sketched scenes in my mind will I find the time to flesh them into written words?  I picked up Carol Ann Duffy’s Feminine Gospels in the Library yesterday.  I read it this morning when invigilating a quiet exam.  And in a strange synchronicity today she is Poet Laureate.  I wonder.

A bisexual poet laureate, overlooked in ‘99 for her “unusual” lifestyle if you believe some accounts.  Well I’d never read her work before yesterday’s first dip into the collection.  And I really enjoyed that reading.

I really just want to drink and write, and make paper beads out of magazines.  I definitely do not feel like stacking up graph after graph for analysis to see if my anaerobic culture is different to my aerobic one.  Sometimes I really don’t think I was meant to do anything but draw out rambling creativity with a glass of red wine in one hand.  If anyone would like to sponsor me to do that as a career let me know!

Robot Lover

April 22, 2009 by ki

This, according to my mother, was the object of my first crush:

Sgt Major Zero from Terrahawks

Sgt Major Zero from Terrahawks

And was the first in a line of childhood crushes on robots (R2D2 is still my fave).  But which came first?  The crush, or the Sgt Major Zero Space Hopper I once had?  Paging Dr Freud…